Taking a journey

So I missed yesterday's post in the craziness of our friend's giant 40th birthday party (the reason that prompted this trip in the first place). But both this pic and the top are from yesterday, so in my mind, that counts.

Where do I begin? Let's keep it simple, else I could wax poetic and ponder the thoughts and words swirling in my head for much too long, and probably still never get them all out properly or fully. I've long considered Grif's godmother my spiritual advisor, but I've always known that one of Jim's friends exuded that same quality of peace and spirituality and coolness and wholeness and sheer giving. It's why I've always been so attracted to her. It's one of the many reasons why I love her. And it's why I opened up to her so easily, why I trust her, and in a not-so-round-about way, asked her for help.

Last night, we talked. Really talked -- talked about her former job, and one that she is very active in as a part of her lifestyle and being. And for as much as I feel I am in control of my own breathing, my own life, my own role as a mother, if you've been following along (or if you're a mom yourself), you'll know how often and how easy it is for me to spin out of control. Lose my temper. Yell. And for as much as I know exactly what Grif will do in a certain situation, for as much as I don't like the way I've reacted to it in the past, I find myself over and over again powerless to change my reactions to him and it. Yoga and spiritual healings and my daily gratitude and work on this blog go very far in maintaining my health, both physically and mentally (and spiritually!). But that's all they do -- maintain. I needed something to break out of the maintenance phase and finally get on the path to fixing what ever anger/guilt/sadness/despair/grief/impatience issues I have, the ones I let surface much too often, the ones I can't keep from coming out.

And well, suffice it to say, thanks to Val, I think last night I started that journey. That journey of discovery and acknowledgement, of acceptance and forgiveness, to heal and change. I don't know where it will take me, or how I'll get there, but now that I have a direction, I know it's coming. It reminds me of that Shawshank quote, "It's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain."

Oddly enough (or not), I got a note from the universe yesterday that said "What do you fear now? How will you use it? You're welcome, the universe." I think that sums it up.