Reality check.

So today was my first day with my new personal trainer. I was ready, excited, pumped. And for the first 30 minutes, I was good. Challenged, really challenged, and I could already tell that I had much farther to go that I'd hoped, but I was fine with that. I was working hard, but hanging in there. And the pushups? Ppssshaaw. I rocked them (thank you, chaturanga!). I was even rocking the standing lunges... until the second set came, and the 31 minute mark. And then it all went downhill. Fast. And badly.

Ok, so at my yoga studio (the place where I'm master of my chaturanga -- which, for those of you who don't know, is basically a pushup. Hence, I do about 50 pushups during each practice... in 110 degree heat...), I belong. I'm comfortable. I'm confident and calm, even when I'm stretching my limits and my endurance. I don't judge (myself or others), I avoid opinions (especially about myself, both about how well I'm doing and how poorly). I just do the work, embrace the workout, stay in the moment, focused, and enjoy it. That's not what happened at the gym.

I lost my breath, I lost my cool, I lost a small part of my lunch (yeah, I know), and then I lost my confidence and was wrapped in disappointment. I wasn't able to finish the hour, I wasn't able to complete the last few circuits, and I was right on my way to heartbreak. My trainer, Julie, was great -- she was understanding, supportive, encouraging -- but I felt like I had disappointed her, and me. And I left with my head high, but my spirits low, my head dizzy, my stomach nauseous.

Until I remembered my first moksha yoga class, where the post-workout results were much the same. Where I went back despite the difficulties and challenges and doubts, where I learned the mantra of I am breathing in, I am breathing out, no judgements, no opinions, just be present, just do what I can.

So, right now, I'm exhausted, headachy, sore. But already ready for the next session, even if the exact same thing happens. I refuse to be disappointed, I refuse to be discouraged. Bring it on!

Building anew

It's appropriate that today we got a new set of blocks for Grif in the mail. Today, I laid the foundation to build something new as well. Today, along with getting a million errands done and sending a boatload of emails, I followed up with something that has been at the back of my mind for about a month now -- today I met and committed to working with a personal trainer.

Nothing to do with resolutions (cuz if you remember, I don't really believe in them), more to do with just finally doing something more, today, now, finally, about toning up and getting better into shape. I won't be trite or silly and bemoan my current weight or how fit I'm not -- cuz I am, fit, that is, and not all that overweight. At the end of every yoga class, I give heartfelt, deep-seated thanks for my power, my strength, my beauty and health. I believe in those things -- I am those things. But for as much as yoga helps me maintain (and cleanse and renew and detox and relax), I needed (wanted) to do something a little extra to help me lose that little extra "extra."

Suffice it to say, I'm excited -- proud that I actually took this step and made this decision (and financial commitment) as opposed to just thinking about it or tossing it around as a "wouldn't it be nice if" idea. I'm anxious -- curious to see what kind of results I'll see in the next three to four months. I'm nervous -- to find out how either really behind I've let myself get or how crazy boot-campy my new trainer is going to be.

It's only once a week right now (but I can show up for solo cardio whenever I like), so I'm not expecting instant miracles or results the likes of which will drop me down to the dress size I was when I met Jim (but wouldn't that be cool?). But already, with this sense of accomplishment (and there THAT feeling is again!), I'm feeling stronger, straighter, leaner, lovelier. More powerful, more beautiful, more healthy, more happy. And isn't that what life should be all about?

I'll keep you posted. Literally.