Trying to be here

So, it was a rough weekend. And as is my habit (and one that I'm trying so very hard to break), for some reason I cannot let it go. I truly believe I have (unfortunately) inherited this from my mother -- this inability to just let it go, to just let things roll off my shoulders, to just forgive the hurt and the irritation and the anger (yes, anger), to not dwell on it or wallow in it or hang on to it. To. Just. Let. It. Go. My mother cannot do this either, and it's the one thing that I can recognize as having already become like her in....

One of my dear friends left me a message this morning, and at the time it made me feel so much better -- so thankful that the universe knew I needed a kind word, and that I got exactly that from her. Exactly. But the lightness was short-lived. And now I find myself struggling through the afternoon, dreading the evening, exhausted already (again). Dejected. Defeated. And so, I take a moment (this moment) to search for...something. Peace? Distraction? Answers?

After a halfhearted attempt to read some of my favorite writers' daily musings, I remembered something I had already read last week on the Painted Path....it resonated with me then, it resonates even more with me now. Julia writes:

this too shall pass,
be here now,
be patient,
accept what is,
find the gifts,
be gentle with yourself

Be here now. Accept what is. Find the gifts. So easy to say these words today. Not so easy to really believe them. And this makes me sad/frustrated/mad/annoyed that I cannot take all that I know and love and am thankful for and focus on that instead of this gloomy, dreadful sadness that has filled (that I have let fill) my whole day.

To be here...I'm closer to that, just by getting this out of my mind and setting it free to the world at large. Purged. Expelled. Be gone, sadness and regret and anger. I'm done with you all.

To accept what is...a little easier, since I know that certain things about this weekend, specifically the people involved, will never change. And really, that's ok.

To find the gifts...I only have to think of my loving, amazing husband, who saw this whole mess coming and was dreading it himself, but still comforted me and was patient with me and showed his overwhelming love to me at exactly the right times. More gifts from my sweet, sweet, laughing (walking) blue-eyed boy, and my amazing friends who gave (and always give) so much of themselves (with exactly the right words) when I'm down and defeated.

So today. Not yesterday. Not this morning. I'm here. I'm accepting. I'm finding the gifts. At the very least, I'm trying to be so very gentle with myself and forgive the fact that I've somehow wasted most of the day in gloom and anger and regret and sadness. I'm not that person. I will not be that person. This too, I shall make pass.