My Dad

This past weekend, I was away with my boys on the Cape, enjoying a sweet mini-break with some lovely old friends (who are, in fact, quite British now with their four sweet children, so forgive if my writing sounds a bit more clipped and UK-accented than usual). And although I didn't altogether forget it was Father's Day -- in fact, I had carefully planned a gift and a card from the boy for Jim, and then made special mention of the day to my friend's dad who was visiting as well -- I had to be reminded by my husband to actually call my dad on Sunday. And of course, my response was a wee bit reticent -- I recall saying something to the effect like, "But I already sent a gift and a card..." Bad daughter. For the record, I did call. And had to leave a message since my parents were out. And then, yes, ignored their call back about a half hour later (we were on vacation...at the Cape -- and my friend had company, I didn't want to be rude). Yes again, bad daughter. At least somewhat anyway...

So, it occurs to me today after reading Boho Girl, that I could once again "borrow" from her loveliness of spirit yet again to pay tribute -- in writing this time -- to my oh-so-lovely-and-loving Dad. My favorite, fondest memories of my childhood include my Dad (and a surprising amount of them revolve around food as well). My dad used to bring home small plain cheesecakes from his restaurant, and I vividly remember sitting in our avocado green kitchen and simply digging in, just the two of us. No plates. Me on my stool. Dad in a chair. Two forks and away we went.

Longjohn donuts at John's Spaceage on Saturday mornings, Dad making huge breakfasts on Sunday morning, always exactly ready when Mom and I got home from church. As a wee child, I remember summer Dairy Queen outings every Sunday night -- Dad always got the "daddy-size" hot fudge sundae, and I always had the small one (usually in one of those upside-down plastic baseball caps they used to have). I literally almost shed a tear these days when I drive by the spot where that old Dairy Queen used to be. So vivid those memories are.

I remember a "boys" fishing trip that me and my dad went on in Destin when I was in college. I was the only female onboard, and dad and I got stuck in Florida while a huge tropical storm moved in. We caught a fair number of fish. Just the two of us.

I remember hot summer nights at our old house sitting outside on our patio, with Dad listening to the baseball game on this shoddy little radio, a beer in one hand and a cap on his head. The smell of Coors still brings back those humid nights so clearly.

I remember the first time that Dad cooked at the American Royal BBQ contest -- what a night of good food, late music and general craziness. Once again, just dad and me. We were laughing so hard at how huge the whole night was.

Only one time during high school did I get officially grounded. And to get me out of my mother's range, we decided to take a drive. Four hours later, we came back with the blue Jeep for me (which, for the record, I owned for 17 years). My sweet father shooed me out of the house to go enjoy my new car while my mother was literally screaming in the background, "I ground her and you go out and buy her a f***ing car?!?!?" That's simply one of my favorite dad stories of all time.

I've only ever really seen my dad mad -- fully angry, embarrassed and near fury -- once. And that was following a crazy tequila night involving my then boyfriend (now hubby), my mother and my eldest sister. I still don't know exactly what when down (I was working), but it involved my dad being mad at my mom and sis for well over a week. And the only time I've ever seen my dad lose his cool was on the plane to Switzerland, when he thought he'd lost the passports, and ended up finding them in the sleeve of his parka. He's always so calm. So centered. So even-keeled. And always with a half-smile on his face.

I remember my wedding -- and all the plans that led up to it -- and how my dad made sure that the whole affair was so very much about Jim and me, and not anything, or anyone else. I also remember him figuring out the bar bill the day after. The memory of his sudden exclamation, out of nowhere, of "That's like 10 drinks apiece!" still makes me giggle a bit. And my favorite shot of my dad, with his dark glasses and a cigar in his mouth and this silly grin on his face...we call this pic the Godfather. My sweet dad.

I remember overhearing him talking to a friend of his one day, who couldn't understand, couldn't fathom why I didn't want to take over my dad's million-dollar corporation, the family biz, just step right in a career and go, and hearing my dad telling him, "Because that's the easy way out for her. And she's not like that."

There was the time when I was living (struggling, floundering) in Boston, and he called me up and just said, "Come home." Armed with excuses -- my internship, my job, my apartment lease, my roommate -- he interrupted and just repeated, "What are you doing up there? Come home." And I did. And, of course, father did know best in this particular case.

I remember my dad and I gardening, cleaning, taking care of cows and chickens and trees and fences and such on the farm we basically built together. The farm I had to leave behind. The farm he still takes care of cuz he knows I can't bear to let it go just yet. 

And now I look around and see all the pictures of my dad as a grandpa. Popo to Grif. And he's been so easy and comfortable and good with the boy from the very beginning. My favorite memory is of my dad asleep on the couch, head back, mouth open, with Grif, asleep on his chest, head back, mouth open....

My dad. I know he won't ever get to read this himself, but I'll tell him about it. And we'll laugh and talk again about all the silly things we used to do -- the good memories. The crazy stories. The good, good, goodness that is all things my dad. Happy Father's day, dad. With all my heart.

Yoga Postscript

Yesterday, after writing about being down and trying to figure why (and how to change it), I went to yoga. Hot yoga (moksha) -- and it kicked my butt. I brought all my negative feelings and sadness with me, and physically it was one of the hottest, most challenging, people-packed and energy-draining classes ever (plus I hadn't had enough water throughout the day -- not advisable). Granted, it had been nearly two weeks since I'd done yoga, and it showed, but I really think it was more my attitude that affected my practice. I got halfway through and my body was just done. Spent. Worked out out. It wasn't a great practice physically.

Mentally -- now that's another thing altogether. Interesting thing happened...halfway through this crazy 90-minute practice, when we transition from all the standing postures to the seated and spinal strengthening ones, we rest. Shavasana. Supine, eyes closed. The point where everything becomes relaxed -- breathing, muscles, body, most importantly, mind. My mind of course was running wild at this point -- this point that only exists to focus on your breathing and body and to meditate not ruminate. Our teacher actively guides us through this posture -- helping remind us to let everything go -- thoughts, judgments, opinions, effort...giving us cues and instruction about how to better do this. And the strangest thing happened.

She said: Think about what you need to be happy.
I thought: (all at one time as I chuffed slightly at the ironic humor of this question, especially considering my frame of mind) wellthat'seasymoretimewiththeboyabetterjoborevenbetter,part-timejobsoIcouldstayhomewhatastupidquestiontoaskmeofallpeople....

And suddenly in the middle of this crazy freight train of thoughts that was literally pouring through my mind at breakneck speed, this strong, confident, powerful, calm voice said over all the insanity: THIS.

And suddenly, everything else was silent, unimportant.

She said: Think about what you need to be healthy.
I thought: (immediately, instinctually, without a pause) THIS. The smile on my face grew a bit.

She said: Think about what you need to be peaceful.
I thought: THIS. A resounding thought, and my smile grew even wider, and then I sighed with contentment at the realization of this wry, unexpected truth I had discovered.

The rest of the practice went as expected -- meaning not so great because I was well and truly at my physical limit, and I paid for it the rest of the night with a headache from pushing too far. But mentally -- well, let's just say I walked out of there feeling lighter and thankful and balanced and confident and at peace. And marveling that this voice in my head had finally (too) heard enough of my complaining and sadness and took the perfect opportunity to remind me about what was good. And important. And right. And to forget about the rest and be thankful for everything else.

Yoga is so cool, no?

All will be well

Giant sigh. I hesitated to even attempt this -- to even write these words today -- but I've been feeling this way on and off for the last week or so, and it's just getting to me. I'm not looking for sympathy, not looking for advice, or compassion. I think I just need to get this feeling off my chest -- out into the world -- and maybe that will create some kind of catharsis so I can get rid of this melancholy that has haunted me so these past days. Maybe I can purge it through writing a bit about it. Cuz that's what writers do, right? Get it out and on paper instead of bottled up inside....

Is it the moon? It'll be full this week. Is it post-vacation blues? Is it that summer is here and I'm craving outside sunshine and fresh air instead of over-air-conditioned office cubicles? Is it that the boy has been sick and not himself either this last week and therefore so very, very trying and cranky? Is it that even my husband seems fed up with my mood swings -- snapping at me unexpectedly, which, of course, makes me snap back and then immediately burst into tears. God forbid it's something as simple as PMS.

I find myself apologizing for the silliest things -- sorry I couldn't get to the phone fast enough. sorry I didn't bring you that water right away. sorry that grif had diaper rash and was screaming bloody murder when I tried to let you sleep in. feeling sorry for myself...even I'm sick of hearing that word come out of my mouth (or circle my thoughts).

I think that it's something as simple as the fact that I am ready -- anxious -- for the next step. The next part of my life that isn't quite here. Vacation was so very lovely, perfect even (the music, the people, the setting, sigh again). So much so that it made coming back to work really much worse than usual. I'm somewhat obsessed with not working now -- finding a way to gather enough freelance work to be able to quit my current job, or find something part-time that pays well -- so I can spend more time with both the boys. Ready for the time when we can truly start making plans to move to Colorado. Ready...for it all. And I know I have to wait a bit longer -- and I'm fine with that, really. Prepared, even. But maybe that's what's making me sad. Maybe I'm focusing on the self-imposed limbo that I seem to be feeling these days instead of enjoying every single moment I've been gifted with....maybe...

When I was single and young all those years ago, this kind of feeling would spur me to hop in the jeep and go out to this little industrial airport, and watch the planes take off as the sun set. It would calm me -- not necessarily make me feel better, or less sad, or more sure of myself, but it would calm me nonetheless. And at least for that moment, everything was ok -- unfolding as it should -- and I would know that all would be well (all wi' be well, all wi' be well, and all a' manner of things wi' be well).

The blue jeep is gone, and that airport's sunsets are so very far away, but maybe, if I think about my pilot husband, and my crazy sweet miracle of a child who shines so very bright in my heart, I can bring that same calmness to this sadness. And I know it won't solve all my strange sorrows, but really, it'll be close enough.

Tomorrow

I've been thinking a lot about my next post here -- specifically, that I haven't even mentioned my life with books (so you know that one will show up simply because it is long, long, long overdue). I have lots of opinions and passions to share in that department (as those of you who know me will most definitely agree). I've also been thinking a lot about Colorado, and how raising my child in that kind of atmosphere (politically, ecologically, spiritually) would be (will be) so different than our current surroundings in Northern Kentucky. I even started that one. It's called "Rocky Mountain High." I'll finish it soon. Then you know I've always got something to say about the boy -- so I'm sure there will be yet another post waxing poetic about him, and being a mother, and a wife, and most importantly, being so very thankful for it all.

But for now, for tomorrow, this one is short. Simple. Obvious. Tomorrow, I go to the beach. Tomorrow, I journey to the shores of Alabama (by car, which means lots of napping and reading while my husband and our friend drive -- yes that's right, I probably won't contribute there at all -- call me lazy, whatever, I always offer to drive and always get turned down, which, honestly, I've grown exceedingly accustomed to). Tomorrow, we go to a place that is starting to feel the affects of the oil leak, and to which all the proceeds of this funky little hippie music festival will now go (cool, no?). Tomorrow, I go to the sand. And the ocean. And that smell of salt and sun and sea. Tomorrow I go to a place where when the wind blows, I'll be left with an oceany residue that I can feel and taste on my skin and clothes. Tomorrow...

It's been way too long since I've been to the ocean. And although I'm a mountain girl by nature, there is simply nothing in the world that can compare to that truly awesome power the ocean carries so easily on its blue, blue back -- the gigantic crash of the waves, the inexorable pull of the tides, the smile-inducing salty smell in the air itself that is so unique, so tangible, so memorable (you simply have to relax and smile as soon as you take that first deep breath of it). The thought of it overloads my senses (not to mention the thought of the great music, fun people and general mayhem that will naturally ensue).

Tomorrow -- so soon -- I go to the beach. With my husband. Just the two of us. Grif's first beach vaca will be in June on Cape Cod -- this one is just for me and the pilot. And while I will miss the boy fiercely, I am looking forward to a getaway with Jim, the late nights and lazy mornings, sand in the bed and the feeling of tight, tingly skin from too much sun.

Tomorrow is vacation. And we're going to the beach.

My Friend the Mama

Ok, so when I started this blog, I had no interest in making it what a friend of mine deemed "one of those mommy blogs." I'm all for posting every day about what amazing new milestone your precocious child is up to (Grif is up to nearly three feet at this point), or the latest in mommy accomplishments (yesterday, I managed to go home sick and take a three-hour nap), but I guess the term "mommy blog" still leaves a funny taste in my mouth. Because yes, I am a mom, and I do blog (often about being a mama), but there's something somewhat pigeonhole-ish about trying to classify what I do here...which, to me, is really all about writing -- about life and love and hopes and dreams and everything else that crowds my mind.

But this one is about motherhood, and not just mine this time. Grif is just over a year-and-a-half old. Nineteen months to be exact. No longer a baby, he's a boy now....and no one in my life, none of my closest or dearest friends, has had children since I had Grif. Until now. My dearest, soulmate of a friend (for those of you following along, you may remember her as the real life coach I mentioned a blog or two ago), my gorgeous, beautiful soul of a friend is pregnant. And when she told me -- over the phone and too many miles away -- I was overcome, overwhelmed, overjoyed.

To hear her say those words, "I'm pregnant," resonated so very deeply with me. I immediately burst into tears, nearly uncontrollable sobbing. I couldn't speak, I was so happy. All I could do was cry and tell her how very, very, very happy I was for her -- my heart was so full. My heart is still so full -- so full of joy, joy, joy for her. I immediately thought of my own pregnancy, and where she was at this point in hers. I thought of my crazy delivery, and silently asked the universe to please make hers easier. I prayed for the safety of her child -- repeating the same mantra that I pray over Grif four and five times a day, "please help this baby be healthy, safe, strong, smart and good." I thought of how we decorated Grif's room, and pictured her doing the same with the love of her life in their apartment in New York -- what colors to choose, what bedding, furniture, books, clothes....

But mostly I thought of how motherhood had changed me -- how I feel differently about children in general, how I truly didn't know how much Grif could alter everything in my life while still leaving me the same woman I always was. And to know that my dearest friend was about to experience all of this for herself truly knocked me flat. My heart burst open knowing how fully and beautifully she will embrace motherhood, and I come near tears again just thinking of the time soon to come when I will get to see her pregnant, get to meet her child, get to see that sweet child grow up within the circle of her heart. I repeat, I was overcome then, and am overcome again now thinking about all the things that Grif has brought to my life -- motherhood being just the first. I had no idea -- how could I have? And to know that she is about to feel all these same things...I sigh again with happy tears in my eyes. Oh my sweet friend, I am so very happy for you. From one mother to (now) another.

Shawn, 2, Madonna and Bono

For those of you who may not know, I did a 60-mile walk about a year-and-a-half ago. Yes. You read that right. Sixty miles, over three days, in the heat of a Chicago summer, raising a ton of money for Susan G. Komen and breast cancer research. It's a great cause -- and an even greater challenge -- one that truly changed my life, spiritually, physically, mentally. My friend Steph P. and I trained for over six months to get ready for it -- meaning we walked. A lot. And then walked some more...I loved every minute of it (ok, I could have skipped the blisters, but that's another story). But walking that much? I loved it. Every single step of that spring and summer of walking, walking, walking. I've not felt that fit in a long time. And it was just from getting out to take a walk.

The winter following the 3-Day, I got pregnant. And the following summer left distance walking a quickly diminishing option as I got rounder. Last summer was my first summer with a baby -- and again, walking was not a priority so much as cramming in every minute I could with both of my guys. This past winter and spring, hot yoga and pilates have been my focus, thinking that as spring and summer arrived, I'd get out and start walking more (again). To date, that has only happened once. Until last night.

I wasn't feeling good yesterday. Feeling not so great about how I looked, how I felt. I hated what I'd chosen to wear to work that day, exasperated with my hair, not at all happy with my body. Feeling down and out and dull. Normally, this would spur a night on the couch to hopefully recharge, renew and just get rest for once. I had every intention of doing this. But instead, I took a walk last night.

I took a long, powerful, liberating walk. All over my neighborhood for nearly an hour. I didn't want to stop -- didn't want to come in from being outside and walking. I felt like I could walk for hours (and might have if it hadn't gotten dark at 9:00). And I felt good. Strong. Fit. Happy. Good (yeah, I said that already, but that's just how good I felt). And bewildered why I had let this simple and effective workout tool go so long unused and undone and unloved.

I took my iPod (something I didn't use when training for the the big walk). My iPod is a funny animal -- I don't use it all that much, and have a huge laundry list of songs I want to add, so when I do take it along for something like last night, I get caught up in what songs my Pod randomly chooses to play for me -- it's like it just knows what I need to hear, at just the right times....and because I don't listen to it all the time, these little gems still surprise me....

Sean Mullins started it all off with, "Yeah but ain't it a blessing to do what you wanna do..." Wry smile on my face, eyes on the setting sun, all I can think is yeah, I'm working on that one...right now as a matter of fact....



Tribal Dance makes me laugh somewhere in the middle. Holy cow, how long has it been since I heard this? Made me walk faster -- a lot faster. With a huge smile on my face. "You've got to move it, feel the temperature...get into it..." Yes indeed I do. Am doing....



At the end, Madonna helps me finish strong, comes on and says, "The more that I wait, the more time that I waste. I haven't got much time to waste, it's time to make my way." How true. Time right now.



Bono thrills me as I stretch and cool down with "And so she woke up, woke up from where she was lying still and said I gotta do something about where I'm going..." True beyond words.



Those randomly chosen songs last night -- these here and so many others -- made me walk faster. Farther. More confidently. Some brought a bounce to my step. Others a tear to my eye. Others were just vibrant reminders of times gone by. All made that walk absolutely amazing. Good. Great. Just what I needed really. And more importantly, they made me eager -- crazy -- to get out there and do it again. To get out there and just walk. And feel as fulfilled and powerful and strong as I did when I finished. And maybe, just maybe (ok, probably), start the journey toward another 3-Day next year. Care to join me? Come on, let's go for a walk.

Breaking the Silence

It's interesting to me how I have a love/hate relationship with my professional job (dare I say, career?). Outside of the fact that I truly love the work I do (I've often said that I'm a good editor because I love doing it, but the reverse is just as true), I love it that I often can steal away a few minutes or a half hour to write a little something here (steal being the operative word). It's when I'm at work that I have the most contact with a computer and the Internet -- I find it hard to motivate myself to sit back down at the computer at home after I've been pounding away at one all day at work (hence another reason why "the book" remains unfinished). So naturally I love it when my job allows me just a few minutes of downtime to put down some of the words that so often circle in my head. I love it when I can actually see the words churning out and know -- just know -- that I'm a good writer.

Yet I hate it (absurdly) when the events of the past few weeks -- the um, well, work -- have kept me so busy that I've been silent here. So although this will be quick (perhaps not short, but quick nonetheless), I was overwhelmed by the absolute need to break the silence and get something current out here.

I love my job for the past few writing projects I've done. Who knew that I could actually grow as a writer when writing copy for a client? I should clarify by saying that the most recent client was, in fact, ourselves, and that I've been writing (or rewriting as the case may be) the majority of the narrative that appears on our soon-to-be-launched new company website. I've loved taking on the ultra-creative, super-hip, highbrow and intelligent nature of this. I love it that the higher-ups trusted me to do this -- and even more, that they showered me with praise upon its completion. I love doing the background work to find out what's really cool with other companies like ours -- that kind of research is what made me love the ad business all those years ago in college, when I used to cut out magazine ads that I felt -- knew -- were particularly brilliant, whether due to the layout or the copy, more often than not both. I love it now that I can recognize that same quality in my own work here.

Yet I hate my job because the incentives to stay here have just been dramatically increased -- a nice pat on the back, both in the actual, real singing of my praises from the "bosses" along with a good bump in pay -- it's been fun here. Good. Satisfying. Fulfilling. And that, of course, is the very reason why the "hate" part of the job relationship is so poignant right now. I hate it when I realize how much I love my job, and the people I work with, and even more, the actual work I'm doing. I hate it because my job is still 100% full-time, in-office, and that makes looking for something else so difficult. Which I'm doing. And I still want. Terribly. I hate it when they make me love it here...and that's said with a genuine smile on my face, but more than a grain of sad truth.

Because I'm still missing days with the boy. My precious, sweet, growing, crazy long-legged boy. He's running and climbing everywhere and everything. He's fearless. Not yet talking (in real words that I can understand, I should say, since he's definitely speaking, just in his own language) but that day is fast approaching. And with it comes the realization this bright window of his future is being thrown open -- these special years where he can go to the zoo for the first time, slide down a park's slide over and over, laugh out loud at the joy of getting pushed on a swing...and it's now more than ever that I want to spend as much time -- as many days -- as I can with him.

This see saw of emotions has been very much on my mind of late. I'm so thankful that my job is getting better, I'm overjoyed that I actually like it again. And I'm saddened to think that I'll have to leave it in order to gain the time I so desperately desire with the boy in these years before he starts school. But leave it I will, if it means even one more day I'll get with Grif. And when that day comes -- when -- I'll happily and thankfully take with me the memories of these good days here.

So this life coach says...

I went to a Ladies Night Out last week at my favorite new pilates studio. Drinks and appetizers, jewelry for sale, 15-minute massages, salsa dancing...and a life coach. Before I go much further, you must first imagine how I just said that word, life coach, with a slight moue on my face. I know a life coach -- a real, sincere, good life coach -- my dearest, dearest, soul mate of a sister/best friend/maid of honor/godmother to my child, and I'm here to tell you, that my friend was made to do this -- she's been doing it for me on some level since we met when I was 16 and she 14...but this lady, let's call her Jane, exuded this vibe that was altogether too easy to role my eyes at. "I'm a life coach," she breathes in her cheery, determined voice...

Anyway, Jane set me on edge from the start...to get things rolling, she asked the ladies within earshot, "Are you ready to make a change?" Complete with her book in the background and worksheets in hand, I got an immediate used-car-sales vibe from her from the get-go. Good lord. Now again, I believe in life coaching, for creativity, for inner peace, for goal-setting, for learning better how to live your life. Jane seemed to have an agenda -- a business agenda -- and her job was to take us through this (very long, repetitive, staged) talk that would explain what a life coach does and the (long, repetitive, staged) process that she uses to accomplish her clients' goals. She mostly focused on health and exercise -- and how to change your daily behaviors and expectations in order to meet these body and diet goals. And she does much of her coaching over the phone apparently. Which just made me cringe even more. On the phone? Come on, lady.

At some point during her shtick, she finally posed a question to the group (imagine a dozen glassy-eyed women sitting somewhat morosely on exercise balls casually bouncing up and down to stay awake), "Who here has a goal they want to achieve -- and wouldn't mind sharing with the group?" As she stared intently (bright-eyed, expectant) at us, someone piped up with, "I want to finish my book." What the...? Did that just come out of my mouth? Crap. How did that happen? Where did that come from? Me, apparently. "Ooooooh, that's a good one," Jane exclaimed, clapping her hands in delight and focusing entirely on me now. Fantastic.

What followed was a series of questions -- showing the group the type of questions she would ask me if I were (eek) her client and she my (gasp) life coach:

Do you have a title? (I did, but it had been so long since I worked on it that in that moment, I actually forgot what it was.)
How long have you been working on it? (Forever. Actually writing it since...and I paused....2001.)
What's it about? (My mother. And her first husband. Who was killed in the Vietnam war. And hence is the whole reason I am here.)

Jane started to coo again, practically rubbing her hands together in some sort of life-coachy delight. But here's where she got interesting:

Why do you want to write it? (Because I'm a writer. Because it's a good story.)
Who are you writing it for? (Uhhhh. Good question. Myself? My mother? I wasn't sure. I'm still not.)
What's stopping you from completing it? (Everything. Time. The fact that I'm a mother of an 18-month-old, working full-time, with a husband who's a pilot and is gone for days at a time effectively leaving me a single mother and it's all I can do to set aside an hour to workout or find a babysitter so I can come to events like this...this came out in one breathless rush).

She asked me some other questions, about finances (yeah I have to work full-time right now) and my husband's support (yes he supports me greatly, can't wait til I finish the NYT bestseller so we can both quit working), challenging me with intentions (a writer writes every day) and things I was doing to further my goal (blogging) and what I was going to do in the very near future to accomplish this (um, well, set aside some time to write, review what I've already written and get back to it). And that's where she got me.

As insane and over-the-top and salesman-y as this too happy and intense woman was, she had me there. Set aside some time next week to write. Get back to it. Just write for god's sake. Write. The. Book. Already.

And for as much as I disdained her, judged her, scoffed at her, dismissed her, she got to me. I guess, she did her job. Although I don't need a life coach (yet), I've been thinking about her simple questions and the 15 minutes she spent firing them at me. And no, I haven't written any more of my book just yet (It Was A Very Good Year -- that's the title by the way, just like the Frank song). But I'm getting there. I'm thinking about it. I'm passionate about it again. No longer on the back burner, but burning brightly in my forward consciousness. I want to bring it back and finish it NOW. I want to see how it turns out -- where it takes me -- how it ends. I owe it to my mother, her first husband, most importantly, I owe to me -- the writer I am -- to complete this thing I began so long ago.

I'm off to yoga right now. And then home to see the boys and make dinner and hopefully relax a bit after this day. And maybe, just maybe, I'll write tonight. And if not, I'll have at least written this much about it. And that is a start that I can be happy with.

Early Morning Mama

Last night, Grif woke up at 4 a.m., whimpering, not really crying, but in some sort of (mild) distress. He hasn't been feeling too well lately, so coming fully awake from a deep, dreamy (Tylenol-nighttime-cold-induced) sleep was immediate and easy. A little water, some quick cuddling and a pacifier later, I came back to my own bed. Ready once again for sleep. Both of us. But the whole 15-minute experience got me thinking...

About mothers. And the fact that I am, in fact, one myself. Ahh, Motherhood. How it has changed absolutely every detail every emotion every goal every feeling every dream every daily action in my life. My dreams for the future no longer (solely) include finishing the book I've been working on (dreaming about) for years. Now my "dreaming" energy is focused much more (daily) on finding a job that will let me work a shorter work week -- so I can have an extra day (or two!) with Grif and my hubby pilot. My budget no longer includes a car payment, instead I have a daycare payment. My living room is no longer the home of my reading sanctuary -- now it shares equal space with Grif's main play area and toy storage. In order to workout, I no longer have to just sacrifice leisure time, now I often have to miss a few Grif hours (hardest when I come home from work first to squeeze in a half-hour before going back out -- a mistake I'm loathe to repeat since the boy breaks my heart every time with his immediate tears and wailing when I leave again). My weekends are no longer marked by the luxury of sleeping in, but blessed by the quiet of three-hour afternoon naps. My whole view of my life, being present in it -- in words and action -- means now being present and central and aware for this amazing small child of mine as well.

Most importantly, my life encompasses more than just the pilot and me together. Now, we are three. Three we are -- a family. And the wonder of this -- amazement, thankfulness, sometimes still sheer disbelief -- strikes me speechless every day. I'm no longer just a daughter, sister and wife. But a mother. Of a bright, beautiful, glorious child. Who loves running outside. And who's already eaten dirt out of one of my plants. Who spins in circles while dancing (usually clockwise). Who looks at me with his big blue eyes and smiles right at me. A small boy who runs to me -- his mama -- when I open the door at daycare and peek around the corner. Who is most amazing to watch when Jim sits him on his lap at the drum set -- how Grif plays, sticks flying. My own little child who can summon me from the depths of sleep to comfort him, his warm body cradled with mine and his head resting on my shoulder. Whose laughter is simply the most joyous thing I've ever heard (and Jim is the best at getting Grif to really laugh -- laugh to tears -- my favorite thing to watch).

I found a new blog this week -- another boho mama type -- but I read a post of hers on motherhood, and fell in love with her writing and her voice immediately:

To be a mother means to kneel a hundred times a day; to kiss a damp and tousled head after a nap, or to rub away some sticky mark upon an upturned cheek (and to wonder, was that oatmeal, or something worse?). It means pressing my knees into the floor, so I can look into the wide eyes of a small person who knows how to press all of my buttons and also how to unlock inexplicable emotions in heart...

Her words have stayed with me all week. And apparently, though the night as well....it was these words that kept me half awake last night (this morning). Waiting to hear if the boy was returning to sleep. Waiting to return there myself. And dreaming/smiling/reveling in motherhood.

Three For One

I'm full -- so very full -- of spring and spring fever and a bounce in my step. Joy abounds today and it's because of so many things -- a cool new song that I can't stop tapping my feet to, the gorgeous weather (I love not having to wear a jacket let alone a coat!), and the fact that it's such a lovely thing to realize (remember) that I am, in fact, a writer -- a good writer at that. I know, a bit full of myself there, but today, it just makes me smile ever wider. I feel good, ya know? How truly marvelous.

So let's start the beginning -- I've heard this song a few times on my favorite local radio station and Sirius, and it suits my whole mood for the week. I even sang part of it to Grif last night before bedtime (instead of my usual Van Morrison Sweet Thing)...there's something about the whistling....the chorus....the tune. It screams happiness and joy and lightheartedness (all perfect for lulling Grif to sleep). And it stands the test for late afternoon pick-me-ups. One might even say it kills it for afternoon pick-me-ups. It's sweet and lovely and good. And it hits both marks -- good music and good lyrics. Take a listen here....I dare you not to bop along with it.

Next up? Spring. I love winter (yes, I know, but I truly do -- it's my passion for snow skiing that does it, snow and winter mean steep, snow-covered hills, moguls and fresh powder, and attacking the hill with the perfect tune on my iPod). I love winter, but spring is the herald for so many things -- stomping in mud puddles with Grif, afternoon family walks to the park, hanging outside on the deck with a beer and my pilot after the boy is in bed (and while it's still light out), grill outs, pool days, basking in the sun during my lunch hour, Fountain Square Farmer's Market, beach and lake vacations...I love it all. And it's tangible today -- the cold, snowy days are over and everything is about to bloom. I can feel it in my bones, can't you?

And last, well, the writer thing. I'm on the blog "team" here at work (yes, I'm at work now, ha!), and in the last five months, I've made the effort to blog twice. Twice! Yes, I've been insanely busy, but I can admit that even that seems a bit ridiculous. So I finally made a contribution this week (on, yes of course, wait for it....grammar -- when it's posted, I'll link to it here). I reread it this morn (cuz again of course, I'm truly obsessive compulsive in ensuring there are NO mistakes, even for something silly like a marketing blog). I read it again, and paused. It was good. Really good. And it made me smile -- call it trifecta, hat trick, whatever, but this last bit of realized happiness/joy/satisfaction/inner-smiling-ness seemed to demand a bit of acknowledgment in one crazy, all-inclusive tribute.

And so here it is. Welcome back, Spring. I didn't realize how much I'd missed you.