All will be well

Giant sigh. I hesitated to even attempt this -- to even write these words today -- but I've been feeling this way on and off for the last week or so, and it's just getting to me. I'm not looking for sympathy, not looking for advice, or compassion. I think I just need to get this feeling off my chest -- out into the world -- and maybe that will create some kind of catharsis so I can get rid of this melancholy that has haunted me so these past days. Maybe I can purge it through writing a bit about it. Cuz that's what writers do, right? Get it out and on paper instead of bottled up inside....

Is it the moon? It'll be full this week. Is it post-vacation blues? Is it that summer is here and I'm craving outside sunshine and fresh air instead of over-air-conditioned office cubicles? Is it that the boy has been sick and not himself either this last week and therefore so very, very trying and cranky? Is it that even my husband seems fed up with my mood swings -- snapping at me unexpectedly, which, of course, makes me snap back and then immediately burst into tears. God forbid it's something as simple as PMS.

I find myself apologizing for the silliest things -- sorry I couldn't get to the phone fast enough. sorry I didn't bring you that water right away. sorry that grif had diaper rash and was screaming bloody murder when I tried to let you sleep in. feeling sorry for myself...even I'm sick of hearing that word come out of my mouth (or circle my thoughts).

I think that it's something as simple as the fact that I am ready -- anxious -- for the next step. The next part of my life that isn't quite here. Vacation was so very lovely, perfect even (the music, the people, the setting, sigh again). So much so that it made coming back to work really much worse than usual. I'm somewhat obsessed with not working now -- finding a way to gather enough freelance work to be able to quit my current job, or find something part-time that pays well -- so I can spend more time with both the boys. Ready for the time when we can truly start making plans to move to Colorado. Ready...for it all. And I know I have to wait a bit longer -- and I'm fine with that, really. Prepared, even. But maybe that's what's making me sad. Maybe I'm focusing on the self-imposed limbo that I seem to be feeling these days instead of enjoying every single moment I've been gifted with....maybe...

When I was single and young all those years ago, this kind of feeling would spur me to hop in the jeep and go out to this little industrial airport, and watch the planes take off as the sun set. It would calm me -- not necessarily make me feel better, or less sad, or more sure of myself, but it would calm me nonetheless. And at least for that moment, everything was ok -- unfolding as it should -- and I would know that all would be well (all wi' be well, all wi' be well, and all a' manner of things wi' be well).

The blue jeep is gone, and that airport's sunsets are so very far away, but maybe, if I think about my pilot husband, and my crazy sweet miracle of a child who shines so very bright in my heart, I can bring that same calmness to this sadness. And I know it won't solve all my strange sorrows, but really, it'll be close enough.